How To Use ‘Windows’ and ‘Walls’ To Bolster Your Relationship for the Long Haul

Photo: Stocksy/Malquerida Studio
Just like a house, a stable relationship requires a few key elements—not just to function, but also to weather any storms. Perhaps the most clear is a strong foundation, which you can build brick-by-brick with a partner through shared experiences and emotional connections. In this framework, you could imagine the “walls” of your relationship “house” as the boundaries between your partnership and external forces. To go one step further, if you and your partner were each a “room,” you might just be separated by a clear “window,” reflecting open and transparent communication between you.

Coined by psychologist Shirley Glass, PhD, in her book Not “Just Friends,” the concept of windows and walls in a relationship is a metaphor for the ways in which two emotionally involved people can maintain intimacy—that is, by creating some degree of openness between them (the “window”) and some buffer against the outside world (the “wall”).

“A committed relationship needs this safe space or bubble to thrive,” says relationship therapist Genesis Games, LMHC. “And within it, an open floor-to-ceiling window with your partner allows the two of you to feel seen and heard by each other with full transparency.”

Why it’s helpful to create and maintain “windows” and “walls” in a relationship

A “window” simply signifies an open flow of communication between you and a partner, which is vital for you both to “understand each other’s worlds, stay on the same page, and clarify expectations, feelings, and desires,” says relationship therapist Jordan Green, LCSW, founder of relationship health and wellness platform Remble. “Open communication gives you an opportunity to catch the small issues and areas of improvement before they snowball into bigger problems.”

“An open flow of communication between you and a partner is vital for you both to understand each other’s worlds, stay on the same page, and clarify expectations, feelings, and desires.” —Jordan Green, LCSW, relationship therapist

For both people to feel comfortable sharing back-and-forth through that window, though, there also needs to be some kind of wall, creating privacy around the relationship. “Without that boundary, your person isn’t protected,” says relationship therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, founder of relationship-counseling platform Ours. “Consider the person who fails to think about how their partner is feeling and constantly invites other people over without a warning. Letting the wall fall casually in this way disrupts the sacredness of the connection.”

That doesn’t mean the wall between your relationship and the outside world needs to be impermeable, though. In fact, it should have some windows, too, allowing external forces into your relationship on occasion, says Earnshaw. “Just like in a real home, things get yucky if you don’t sometimes open the windows and get some air,” she says. “The ‘air’ in a relationship is your friends, jobs, hobbies, and so on.” It’s just that your connection to any of these things shouldn’t overpower the one you have with your partner. “It’s the same way that you wouldn’t keep windows in a home wide open all the time to avoid letting in rain and snow,” says Earnshaw.

“When you keep the window open to others, but closed to your partner, they lose their ability to be connected to you.” —Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, relationship therapist

When you start to let your relationship’s outer wall break down and become too much of a window, you’ll notice that the window between you and a partner also starts to become a wall, reversing the roles of each. “This might look like working all hours of the day and night, allowing your energy to drain from the relationship, or sharing all personal details of your partnership with a friend, family member, or coworker,” says Earnshaw. “In doing this, you keep the window open to others, but closed to your partner, which means they lose their ability to be connected to you.” It’s this separation that can eventually open the door to cheating and affairs, she says.